Embracing the New: Journeying Into Parenthood Together
Embracing the New: Journeying Into Parenthood Together
As a couple and family therapist, working with various couples often involves helping them navigate significant changes or transition events that prompt them to seek therapy. One of the most transformative experiences for any couple is the arrival of their first baby, which is undoubtedly a joyous and celebratory event. However, it also brings about a series of challenges as the couple must reorganise their lives to accommodate their new bundle of joy while keeping their connection intact.
Emotional Ups and Downs: The Roller Coaster of New Parenthood
When I work with couples who are new parents or about to become parents, we delve into various aspects, including managing the emotional rollercoaster that comes with parenting for the first time, finding a balance between parenthood and personal time, and nurturing their physical and emotional bond.
Pregnancy and childbirth trigger a cascade of hormonal changes, vital in preparing women physically and emotionally for motherhood. However, having a new baby can significantly increase stress levels for both fathers and mothers. These hormonal changes and heightened stress can lead to increased emotional dysregulation, causing frustration, anger, and conflicts between partners.
From Nitpicking to Nurturing: The Underlying Love Amidst Conflicts
Several new-parent couples describe their experience as being on an emotional roller coaster. One of my male clients described it as jerking around, unsure when they would find steady ground again. These couples must recognise that their emotional turmoil is entirely normal and understandable given the overwhelming changes they face. The fact that they might find themselves nitpicking and arguing is a sign of their systems being overwhelmed, but it also shows that they care about each other deeply.
The Therapist's Mantra: “You Have to Care Enough to Fight”
One mantra I often share with these couples is, "You have to care enough about each other to fight." This mantra can be extended to include, "We also love the baby enough to fight." Amid emotional turmoil, couples need to take short breaks, breathe, and then return to their conversations. As they regulate their emotions and communicate differently, sharing what's happening beneath the reactive surface, such as feeling fearful, helpless, and alone, can be powerful. This deeper sharing helps them connect through vulnerability and reminds them of the need to love and support each other during this challenging phase.
Ticking Clocks and Sleepless Nights: The Time Demands of Newborn Care
One of the reasons new parenthood can be overwhelming is the sheer amount of time involved in caring for a newborn. The constant feeding every 2-3 hours, which adds up to 8-12 feeds per day, can be exhausting, especially if breastfeeding takes up significant time. Additionally, there's bathing, cleaning, and getting the baby to sleep. If the infant has special needs or is colicky, this schedule becomes even more demanding.
Leaning on Your Village: The Value of a Strong Support System
To tackle these challenges, new parents must support each other in managing their time effectively. They may need to take shifts to ensure each partner gets rest, eats well, and has time for exercise. As a systemic or relational therapist, I always emphasise the importance of considering family and relationship bonds, encouraging them to reach out to their support network. New parents should not feel pressured to handle everything alone; there's a village around them, including parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives, friends, and colleagues who can offer help. Whether it's holding the baby, assisting with feeding, providing a break for rest, preparing meals, or offering emotional support, this network can be invaluable.
Rekindling the Spark: Preserving Intimacy Amidst the Chaos
With the intensity of caring for a newborn, it's not uncommon for emotional and physical intimacy between partners to take a backseat. Some couples have tearfully expressed feeling like their love has vanished amid the sleeplessness and exhaustion. The realities of caring for a helpless infant can strain physical and emotional intimacy. For new mothers, it might also take time for eroticism to return, especially if they are healing from a c-section or episiotomy.
Thankfully, there are several ways to foster physical and emotional intimacy during this phase. Partners must remember to give each other hugs, kisses, massages, and comforting touches. Engaging in open discussions about their goals and plans for family life and sharing their fears can create powerful bonding moments.
From Tired Nights to Tighter Bonds: The Silver Lining of Parenthood's Challenges
Many couples I've worked with have shared how childbirth and caring for their newborn brought them closer, fostering a deeper appreciation and understanding of each other. Through this process, they experience a more profound emotional and physical connection.
Being new parents can be an emotional roller coaster. Still, with awareness and proactive effort in managing parenthood, personal time, and maintaining their couple connection, they can find greater harmony and stability in their parenting journey and more profound love and appreciation for each other. Contact our office to learn about our work with new parents and parents-to-be.
Jomo Phillips, Couple & Family Therapist
