the acceptance journey
Therapy & Allyship
June worldwide is a celebration of pride; pride is a commemoration and acceptance of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ), and it emerges from the long battle of LGBTQ people for equality. At our practice are proud to be allies to LGBTQ people and to serve LGBTQ clients and their families in our individual, couple and family therapy practice.
The Significance of Family
A big part of our practice with LGBTQ people and their families have been helping family members accept the identities of LGBTQ relatives and support their LGBTQ relatives. Sexual identity development begins in childhood. In fact, by about the age of 10 years old, many children are aware of physical attraction. Many LGBTQ people, as part of their self-acceptance journey, will often take the risk and might come out to family members first. In addition, many persons begin their sexual identity exploration as young people, and some LGBTQ young people will also take the risk of coming out to parents and other relatives.
In fact, in one study, 79% of young people who were sexual minorities, or persons who did not identify as heterosexual, had shared their sexual orientation with at least one parent. In addition, the same survey identified that two-thirds of these young people had disclosed their sexual orientation to at least one sibling and extended family member. LGBTQ young people’s acceptance and coming out about their sexuality can be difficult because many have learned that being, for example, gay or lesbian is something to be ashamed of, will bring public humiliation, and will bring disgrace to their families.
Acceptance & the Well-Being of LGBTQ Young People
The research indicates that acceptance of family members and loved ones is a compelling factor in the physical and mental well-being of young persons who identify as LGBTQ. In addition, family acceptance increases self-acceptance and self-worth and acts as a buffer against many of the challenges LGBTQ young people might experience in the larger community. For example, many young persons who are LGBTQ experience minority stress; chronic stress negatively affects persons’ physical and psychological health. Stigma, homophobia, and discrimination also increase the risk of LGBTQ young people committing suicide and misusing drugs and alcohol.
The Acceptance Journey
Acceptance is often a journey for family members. Unfortunately, factors like religious values, homophobia, and heterosexism or prejudice against LGBTQ people on the belief that heterosexuality is the typical sexual orientation can fraught the acceptance journey road for family members. American research indicates that one-third of sexual minority young people experience parental acceptance, and another third experienced parental rejection. The remaining third choose not to disclose their sexual orientation, to parents, well into their late teens and early twenties.
There are a variety of experiences that parents and other relatives can go through in response to their young person sharing their LGBTQ sexual identity. Family responses can be rejecting or accepting. We have spoken to parents and relatives about their experience as they learn their child is LGBTQ, and we have used the analogy of grieving because they will often experience various feelings, including cycling through disbelief, anger, sadness, fear, and acceptance. These feelings also make sense, given the homophobic and heterosexist nature of the community. Homophobia and heterosexism also privilege a straight sexual identity. Children are born and are expected to be straight when, in reality, between 27 percent of the general population identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
Rejection can even be well-intentioned and can be a parent’s or a relative’s efforts to protect their children and preserve their values, faith, and culture. However, our experience is that many parents and family members might not even know that they are engaging in rejecting behaviours. Rejection can lead to increased rebellion and interpersonal conflicts between young people and their family members. Rejection also increases the risk for the LGBTQ young person.
Rejection from family members can run a gamut. It can include disparaging statements about young people and their sexual identity, efforts to change the orientation of their children, measures to prevent them from accessing information and resources related to being LGBTQ, refusal to talk to them about their identity, verbal and physical abuse, social rejection and isolation, and even homelessness for the LGBTQ young person.
Acceptance is a process that often begins with conversations between parents, family members, and the LGBTQ youth. Adults might have various feelings; as previously mentioned, feelings of loss or grief are standard. Children can often sense their parents’ feelings; it is always helpful for parents and family members to share and inquire honestly about each other’s emotions. Acceptance might also require parents and other adult relatives to educate themselves about LGBTQ and LGBTQ-related challenges for young people; in this regard, it is important to find accurate and affirming resources.
The adults will often need to solicit support and help for themselves. There are various groups and supports online for parents and relatives of LGBTQ youth. Acceptance is a journey for parents and families but accepting provides a potent supportive barrier for LGBTQ youth.
Jomo Phillips, Couple & Family Therapist
