The Evolution of Long-Term Relationships: From Limerence to Oxytocin and Beyond
From Sparks to Warmth: Understanding the Evolution of Long-Term Relationships
After the realities of being married, living together, or being in a long-term exclusive relationship set in, some couples might feel like pulling out their hair. Partners might sometimes experience so much frustration that they contemplate leaving each other. Unfortunately, this is an all too common experience for many people in long-term relationships.
From Limerence to Lasting Bonds: The Relationship Rollercoaster
Some people describe the relationship as drudgery, and the blazing sparks are like embers. However, these changes make sense, given our biology, changes in the romantic relationship, and stressors over time. Our socialisation experiences from media and romance culture often make us believe that romantic relationships will always be blazing. So, unfortunately, people believe that if your partner no longer sets your heart racing, it is time to bail out the relationship.
The Biology of Bliss: Why Your Relationship Feels Different Over Time
New romantic relationships feel intoxicating because they are meant to feel that way; from an evolutionary perspective, we are being primed for having sex and reproducing. The scientific term for that intensity is “limerence.” Limerence involves intense attraction and intrusive thoughts; we can all remember being in a new relationship and always thinking about the other person. Limerence also involves reciprocation; we can’t stand our romantic partners' rejection. Limerence comes from the release of several brain chemicals, norepinephrine and dopamine. These chemicals make our hearts flutter and make us feel happy.
Beyond the Fluttering Heart: The Quiet Strength of Oxytocin in Love
The limerence stage can last for several months or even years but, on average, it lasts between one to two years. Then, as we solidify our relationship and commit, norepinephrine and dopamine stop being released and are replaced by hormones like oxytocin. Hence, the romantic connection no longer feels intoxicating.
Oxytocin is a bonding chemical associated with long-term romantic relationships and encourages feelings of calmness, warmth, and security. We often tell couples that the buzz will still be there as they solidify their relationship, but it will feel different. Not intoxicating like when they first began the relationship, but it will be a buzz that feels safe and secure; as one of our couples describes, it feels, “like a warm fuzzy blanket.” This relationship change is different from the popular culture conversations about romantic love.
From Romantic Rendezvous to Parenting Partners: Balancing the Scales of Love and Duty
While the tempo and rhythm of the relationship will change over time, some things can affect couple satisfaction. Couples must navigate various stressors and challenges as they continue their relationship. These stressors and challenges can include things like having children and parenting. Couple relationships can also be affected by domestic responsibilities, financial stressors, career management, parents’ care, and extended family relationships.
Cupids to Caregivers: Navigating the Complexities of Romance and Parenting
A significant body of research on the family life cycle recognises that families are living systems that need to change and re-organise in response to internal and external shifts. There is no more significant shift than having children, which means that the couple’s relationship must re-organise and shift between maintaining the romantic bond and caring for children simultaneously. Many couple relationships disintegrate, and couples file for divorce after children become adults and leave home because the partner’s energies have been solely concentrated on child-rearing. No time was spent on maintaining the romantic couple bond.
Bridging Bonds: Keeping the Flame Alive Amidst Life's Tides
Juggling between a romantic relationship and a parenting team requires conscious action by couple partners to keep their connection. Hence, couples must ensure that they spend time together and communicate their needs. Spending time with each other and sharing needs encourages safety, vulnerability, and connection.
Beyond Gender Roles: A New Conversation on Couple Satisfaction
Various stressors affect couples, including addressing domestic duties, managing finances and careers, caring for ageing parents, and extended family relationships. Like the negotiation between parenting and the romantic relationship, addressing all of these requires thoughtfulness and conscious action. In addition, something like the distribution of domestic duties needs communication and flexibility on the part of individuals to avoid resentment; this is mainly so when so many domestic roles are affected by perceptions related to gender.
Gendered expectations can affect the fair distribution of household responsibilities and chores. Therefore, when we engage couples, we always ask them about what they learnt in their own family of origin concerning gender roles if they are alright with reproducing these gendered roles in their romantic relationship, and the implications for couple satisfaction. Surprisingly many people have never given it any thought, and such a question provides an opportunity for a deeper conversation about equity and fairness at home.
Relationships Reloaded: How to Nurture Love Amidst Life's Challenges
As couples move around their relationship and everything else on their plate, it is also vital that people make time to look after themselves. So, while couple relations are essential, people must make time to invest in themselves. At its most basic, we cannot pour into a relationship from an empty cup. So individuals must have their interests and affinities with other people; this is why it is so important to have things to do outside of the relationship and create friendships that energise.
From Passionate Fire to Comforting Warmth: The Beautiful Transition of Long-Term Love
Couple relationships will change over time. Those changes do not mean we need to lose love. However, recognising that the tone and tempo of the relationship will inevitably change is an essential awareness the couple must also actively address the multiple things that will impact their romantic bond.
Do you want to learn more about romantic evolution and how to keep the flame alive? Subscribe to our newsletter for monthly insights, attend one of our Hold Me Tight® Workshops, or contact us about couple therapy.
Jomo Phillips, Couple & Family Therapist