As inherently social beings, our natural inclination is to form meaningful relationships, including romantic ones. This inherent need for connection means that the end of a romantic relationship, especially a difficult romance, can be excruciating and traumatic. The painful ending of a romance often triggers a heightened state of vigilance, affecting our ability to trust and embark on a new romance. As a systemic or relational psychotherapist, I assist individuals in healing from heartbreak and guide them in healing their pain to discover and welcome new love.

Understanding the Impact of Heartbreak

Fully embracing a new romantic relationship necessitates a period of healing. This healing journey can include a variety of self-care practices such as exercise, journaling, and maintaining a nutritious diet. Equally important is allowing yourself the space to process emotions, particularly the pain, sadness, and anger arising from the breakup of a difficult relationship.

Additionally, healing involves cultivating social connections. Engaging with supportive and loving people and engaging with a relational therapist can significantly aid in emotional regulation. These safe interactions reinforce that you can trust in people and remind you to take the social risks essential for seeking a new love.

Embracing Self-Care During Healing

Taking a break from romantic relationships offers a valuable chance for self-discovery. I usually encourage my clients to explore activities that bring them joy and consider new interests during their relationship hiatus. Reconnecting with personal joys and values can be enlightening, aiding in the clarification of what one might seek in a future partner.

The Importance of Taking a Relationship Break

During heartbreak, it is more challenging to recognise relationship patterns due to the emotional turmoil that might come with the end of the relationship. A relationship break allows one to reflect and understand what might have gone wrong in past love relationships. Together with clients, I explore the potential red flags overlooked in their heartbreak relationships and sometimes in previous romances. Discussions often reveal how clients' engagement patterns, shaped by their needs, contribute to relationship stress and disconnection. Some clients also draw connections between their unmet attachment needs and their early life experiences with unavailable or overly strict parents or caregivers.

Acknowledging personal patterns and responsibilities at the end of a relationship is empowering. It can open up a path to understanding one's needs and what to look for in future romantic connections. I believe an awareness of personal patterns and responsibilities also needs to be combined with a dose of gentleness and kindness, recognising that we are always learning and growing in terms of relationships and will never be perfect.

Finding Romance

As people heal, it is crucial to take chances to find love. I usually talk to clients about being intentional and purposeful about finding romance. I often encourage them to meet people and have fun. Recognising someone with whom we might want to have a relationship should also be considered a process that requires patience and open-mindedness. So, people may need to meet and date several people to find compatibility and romance.

Finding a potential romantic partner can happen in various spaces. The spaces can encompass social and recreational activities, clubs, and faith-based gatherings like church services. Recently, many of my clients searching for romantic relationships have also begun exploring a variety of online dating apps and websites. However, I consistently advise them that the journey to find a partner is not confined to any specific location or platform; the serendipity is it can sometimes be anywhere people gather and where there are opportunities to be social. In these spaces, there might be someone we might want to get to flirt, date, and even fall in love with.

The journey to healing from a broken heart and opening yourself to new love involves healing and taking risks. Healing involves self-care, emotional processing, social engagement, self-discovery, and understanding past relationship patterns. As a systemic or relational psychotherapist, I guide individuals through this process, helping them to recognise and break free from negative patterns, understand their needs, and approach future relationships with greater awareness and intentionality.

Jomo Phillips, Couple & Family Therapist